8:25 p.m. - 12/16/02
or not. (2)
and something must be wrong/ I start out feeling strong/ then everything goes cold inside again...
I don't know, really, what to write right now. The sadness is welling up inside again. Lonely longing, fear, and thirst. The visit with Silje was so incredibly amazing, and I felt very firm in some "I have to start planning to go visit Rogers" thoughts. I really wanted it, and feeling the goodness of her presence, I felt safer in that want.
But then, being here again afterward, things have just sort of escalated. My heart is so bruised, and I can't even explain all the reasons. I've been doing my psych homework; we're studying development- attachment. And I realize how founded some of Harriet's theories were, even if her method of helping me was a bit outlandish. I'm not secure about attachment, not even slightly. That doesn't make her decision to ship me off to ad-camp logical, but it does make Dr. R's comments on the attachment front feel a bit more relavent. It also hits on the sadness that doesn't need amplification at the moment.
Small things, you know? Like writing last night's letter and asking Chas why she made the decision to do the relational work with me, when I was so sick and out of it. Like seeing that my favorite episode of the Simpsons (Lisa's Substitute) was going to be on and accidentally turning on a video of an ED documentary attempting to find a tape for it. Not any ed documentary, one with a girl I ended up in treatment with at Red. Like watching the episode and realizing that it only affected me so much in the past because it's about what it's like to be utterly alone, have someone come, and have them leave. Like the irritation that not being able to let my parents in means not having anyone who can touch me and constantly being irritated as they aggravate the strong emotions. There are so many stupid little things. And I'm tired and sad, and I don't know what to do. Call the doctor again? Call the doctor even though I fucking called him once already, on the day of my appointment? Even though he just saw my mom and will be working late? Even though I completely don't want to call? Or call Sara who is almost doubtlessly studying for exams, the way I "should" be doing? I don't know what to do, hence the unimportant ranting. I want to cry because no one cares about me despite how many people do. Because I still believe there's no one here to stay. Even though everyone tells me differently and I don't doubt them. My heart just can't be convinced, and I hate it.
And she's GONE, damnit. She's GONE, and there's nothing I can do. What if they're all gone? What if I never talk to those people who completely changed my life?
Aigh. I thought journaling was a good idea, but I need to reach out in a realer way. I'll be back at some point.
chord
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