10:00 p.m. - 12/27/02
keep climbing this mountain. /^\
Brittany and I are building a fairymobile and going into the cool-crown-selling business, which just proves that I must learn to sign onto instant messenger so much more often than I do. I will try to work on this.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Doctor R (which I'm relieved about) and an agreement to go stay with my dad in Narnia (which I'm not so relieved about.) My mom's in New York until New Year's, and no one felt too keen on me being here by myself. I feel like I could handle it, personally, but I also know that being alone for extended periods of time can also do bad things to my brain. So, I don't feel compelled to prove that I can do it. Unfortunately, I don't so much like the only alternative: staying with my dad at the house he has through work. We shouldn't be there long (maybe 24 hours?) and I'm sure I'll be able to occupy the time; I just don't feel at home there. Not to imply I feel at home here...but to make things even more bizarre, friends of our family lived in that house prior to my dad's taking this job. (He replaced one of said friends, who left for another position.) So I feel like I'm in their house, and that's odd. I guess as much as I don't feel at home in D!@#$%^, I've developed a certain immunity to it. I don't really take in my surroundings because I understand that I can do what I want here. I have little awareness because I understand that I'm not a guest...even if I feel like this place is temporary, unreal, not my own.
As for today, it's been an interesting mix of productivity and depression. I did a few of the things I've wanted to do, little bits of them at least, but my head still feels foggy and out of place. I didn't even pay attention to it until I started having not-good urges in the mid-afternoon. I realized that my eyes were unjustifiably tired, and I felt foggy, separate from the world. I'm on my meds, so hopefully, it's only circumstancial, as in I can fix it simply by determining the cause and working through it. I have a little idea about what it is, but I guess I haven't wanted to go into it fully yet. That probably means I'll cry at therapy tomorrow. He could so build a moat around his office with my tears.
This morning, I felt somewhat strong again. And I started to think that I might not be making it simply in spite of feeling I've lost Rogers. I started to think maybe it wasn't just their power, but my power, that was keeping me safe. And it's not that I've never felt that before. In the moments, when I feel in sync with myself, strong in my identity, fairly thrilled with who I am, and motivated to continue my life, I always feel its my power. It's something sacred inside of me, that I do believe I always have, even though I don't always have access to it. I think that- the means of accessing said power- is more what my thoughts concerned. I think I started to feel that I could be powerful all on my own. I didn't realize how grounded I am in Rogers as a base for my continued growth. I didn't realize that disconnecting myself from that piece, even if I felt it necessary, would temporarily cut me off from the power. There may be several other avenues to the real-me, but that's the one I know. So maybe I need to hold onto it as I explore alternatives. Maybe it's a combination approach, rather than a "throw that away and replace it" perspective, that will serve me best.
I've been thinking about the relationshit again. I've been thinking that if I could separate my fear of relationships from my fear of sexuality (which I don't think is possible, exactly) my fear of being in a girl-boy *relationship* would have a lot to do with the role-assignments the doc and I were talking about a week or two ago. I don't feel strong enough in myself to believe I can sustain my identity in a traditional relationship, and I can't imagine a non-traditional girl/guy relationship. I feel like, even without accepting the roles, it would be hard to experience something else. I can see myself refusing to have a traditional relationship with someone. And then? What do I have instead? I think being in a relationship with someone who is my gender will mean *having* to define the way we relate, and so I'll be safer. I won't end up living the life my grandma hopes I will.
This is what I think, which does not make it accurate. This is what I think that I have the power to work on, and that pleases me. The more firmly I plant myself in who I am the less I need worry about a relationship pulling me out of myself. If I'm used to being myself, I'll resist a push away from that more quickly. I'll recognize what's happening earlier, in time perhaps to alter the course. And none of this does anything about the fact that sex doesn't seem to have a place in my life, but it does give me something I can work on. And something, in an issue big as this, is very, very good.
I also realized yesterday that I'm grateful, at least a little, that I had so little faith when I started out a year ago. That allowed me to develop the faith that is real to me, instead of leaning on something that I didn't fully believe- the way I did with Christianity when I was in grade school. It also allowed me to really feel the grief. I think I would have had a hard time allowing myself to grieve if I believed that she was ok, even though I wanted so much to believe that. I needed to feel my emotions fully, without stopping to analyze whether they were in keeping with my faith. I couldn't say, "but it's stupid to feel I've lost her, when she's still here" because I didn't know she was. And I think in some ways that was a gift...a painful one, but nonetheless. Now, I'm preparing for the challenge of having faith and still feeling hopeless at times...of believing she's safe and still being scared, believing she's with me and still missing her. I'm preparing for seemingly opposite feelings felt simultaneously. I think I'm strong enough now.
It's so amazing to take these steps. I mean, today has mostly sucked, and I still have progress on the horizon. It's so amazing to say I'm strong enough to face this now. I'm strong; I'm learning how to use that strength. And wow, wow, wow. Did I ever believe this would happen to me? Did I ever believe the process by which I approached healing would be so marvelous as this?
wow. wow, wow.
chord
�
�
