3:15 p.m. - 12/01/02
*nobody touched her/ / no scars to show--)
-really frightened
-really scared
-really feeling stupid
-really overrun
-really convinced I made a mistake
-really afraid of the response
-really trapped in my sick-head
-really upset about school
-really convinced of my badness
-really tired of those feelings
-really afraid I'll upset them
-really aware no one supports this
-really unsure who to lean on
-really wanting to injure, punish, hurt
-really grateful for an sf response
-really not sure how to take it in
-really feeling alone in the world
-really unsure why that scares me
-really doubting my feelings
-really doubting my perception
-really feeling like I'm back at square one and steadily moving backward
-really wishing I could do something
-really aware that I've already done too much
it was different when I had no respect for Dave. how firmly he believed that I should be here didn't matter. and Harriet shouldn't matter because she was a crackpot on so many points. but if anyone believed I shouldn't be here, why didn't they speak up? not everyone said I had to stay, but no one ever said I shouldn't. last night I was so frantic over it all, and I was sobbing, desperate. I'm so rarely impulsive outside honest desperation. but desperate, I jump. have to get out of here, have to get out of here, have to get out of here. how could I believe for half a second that it was any different than the hundreds of other times, when I would take it back a morning later, and feel beaten if I'd said a word?
if I hadn't spoken, I could slink through my existence, safe in the fact that no one would be angry. I don't want to be taken seriously. it's one thing to decide I'm somewhat different- bad enough- it's another to condemn them by trying to leave. it's something I've done before, tried before, that only leads to pain. it's something without basis. something without reason. something pointless and ungood of me.
I wanted to be Mary Brave...not the girl who burns down her homestead and runs.
chord
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