5:30 p.m. - 12/30/01
if you don't ask the right question- every answer feels wrong.
Today would be a good day for staring at blue-green colorschemes and Tori Amos pictures. No matter how many musicians I adore, she remains so soothing...I can hear the high soprano ringing in her eyes, the surrealist lyrics that curl her bright red hair. It's silly to so adore celebrity, but then again some people rival art.
One of the many things the matter with me seems to have manifested into me talking about the same people in diary entries. Like this will be the second time I mention Cami...but I've been on-line a lot (more proof there's something wrong with me) and I took the new year's quiz she linked to...so just in case you were wondering-
Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz
as well. How lovely.
And since I'm not really in the mood to comb the Internet in search of the exact shade of turquoise that counteracts my diseased mind, I think I'll feel out her survey as well. Surveys are nice. My favorite are the ones people I know write...because standard ones are usually boring and mine usually have way too many bizarro fairy references...but such is life. On with the mindless pastime.
Where would you live?: anywhere with enough culture to sustain me between trips to NYC, enough darling people that I can always meet up with someone for a hug when I need it, and a decent water source *somewhere* in the near proximity...
Nationality: 50% Irish, ?% German, and 100% Atoms...
Gender: I'll probably offend someone with this because I don't know all the cool terms people use to bring the m/f model into the 21st century...I'll just say that some days I wish I were a girl, some days I wish I were a boy, and somedays I wish I were a platypus.
Zodiac sign: Pisces...which is far too easy for anyone with astrological knowledge to guess. *sigh*
Pets: I want a kitty! When I left RED, I was instructed to get a dietician, a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a kitty...and I'm still waiting! Though on Christmas, my brother told me the very large box with my name on it was a tiger...I got all excited...sadly, it was just my punching bag. mmm...tiger...
Hair Color: jet black with blue highlights...*checks mirror* - oh, wait it's still that frizzy brown craziness. :-(
Eye Color: brown...I'm ever so monochromatic.
Hair Length: too long...about my shoulders.
Dyed?: still too chicken, I need to be attacked in my sleep to get that hair I so desire
Roomates: these people chronically referred to as my parents...
Car: when I become empress, it'll be all about teleportation - die, automobile, die!
Bed Time: whenever my parents are too much to handle...hello, pillow.
Do you find yourself attractive?: no one pays attention anymore...of course, I do- that's why I freak out when I eat crackers...
Do you think you are cute?: hmm...sometimes I act like a little kid and people laugh and I feel cute. when I'm silly, I suppose I can be cute...I'm not silly often enough, unfortunately. I'm too busy being a "moochure human being."
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: hmm...
Where do you shop the most?: ahhh?! me? go out? for the purpose of *purchasing something?* ahhhhhhhhhh!
Do you have any piercings?: not anymore...I let my ears close (earrings are overrated- i.e. I'm too lazy to bother with them) and the only other piercing that intrigues me is the eyebrow...which I am, once again, too chicken to risk.
Do you have any tattoos?: only when I get bored at IOP - Crayola markers are the American henna paint...
Do you do drugs?: as if I need to...chemical instability is *built* within my brain, mwa ha ha!
Do you drink?: right now I'm dehydrated, but on a general basis I try to get in some liquids daily
What sport do you play (do)? Badminton is semi-decent and I would love to be a boxer, mostly for the purpose of confusing everyone's "meek" perception of me.
What are you most scared of? being alone. breaking the world. that I'm pure evil and there's nothing I can do about it. men whose vocabulary doesn't include "no" ...
How many phones in your house?: 2 - but I still don't claim this as *my* house...
How many TV's do you have in your house?: I think there's only one now...
What are you listening to right now?: actually, nothing - my parents just went downstairs and the quiet is lovely...
What book(s) are you reading now?: Blackbird and whatever I pick up during my bouts of insomnia...
Who are you talking to right now?: this survey
What clothes do you sleep in?: often whatever I wore that day (laziness is a *trend* in my daily life) though I sometimes branch out into a tanktop and a pair of cotton exercise/pajama pants...
Who is the last person who called you?: Sara
If you could have 1 wish what would it be?: I guess that I could see evidence suggesting that I, and everyone I love, really *will* be ok after all.
If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?: how hopeless I feel at the moment; desperation and hopelessness are a *bad* combination.
Who/what do you really hate?: mental illness, judgmental people, persecution, sauerkraut, loneliness, people who aren't better than me who think they are and people who are better than me who think they aren't...
Do you wish on stars?: as long as I'm not busy wishing on headlights, palindromes, and necklaces when the stars come out...
If you were making a movie about yourself, who would play you?: I think I'd have a whole slew of beings create me...men, women, girls, boys, otters, birds, rabid kittens, health class skeletons, rag dolls, chalk drawings, spilled paint, and dragon footprints.
Do you like your handwriting?: I like the attention. I admit it. But when it's just me and my handwriting, I'm not too fond of it...
Who do you admire?: people who take care of themselves enough to take care of others
What is the #1 priority in your life?: oh, God...to be healthy? to be loved? to find a closet or treehouse I could hide within until this question goes away?
Any bad habits?: yes, but usually people are nice and refer to them as "symptoms."
What store would you never be caught dead in?: I hope I'm not caught dead *anywhere* for a very long time...
If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?: I'd want to be, but I'd have to wait because I'm not quite healthy yet, and I like to be friends with healthy people.
Have you ever told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: I think so. nothing comes to mind though.
Do looks matter?: not particularly...but that doesn't me they can't be intriguing.
Do you pray?: I think half of my daily speech is either "please God" (begging) or "Christ" (irritated.) um, yes.
Have you ever met anyone famous?: Alfred Uhry told me I'm short...
Are you trendy?: nah
What do you do to vent anger?: I listen to Smashing Pumpkins, punch/kick the innocent air particles surrounding me, and occasionally write long, rambling entries for you to suffer through...ha!
Are you passive or aggressive?: The goal is to be assertive. I *can* be aggressive, and I'm often passive- but I don't think it counts much anymore because usually when I'm passive, I *choose* to be passive in order to avoid certain consequences of speaking my mind...which I think is slightly different than being passive by default. Doesn't it kind of defy the definition of passive to be so actively?
Who is your second family?: *sigh* I'll give you a hint...roses are ___.
Do you trust others easily?: not really. I used to.
What was your favorite toy as a child?: I have a large collection of trolls...
What class in school did you think was totally useless?: um, driver's ed? ;-) and gym...gym could be useful, but ours was just silly.
Do you like sappy love songs?: good sappy love songs, of course
Have you ever intentionally hurt someone?: yeah, after I'm hurt, I'm pretty vicious...and I've intentionally hurt myself a bunch of times.
Do you like sarcasm?: sure- as long as it isn't malicious.
Do you feel understood most of the time?: not at the moment...though in the not-so-distant past, I did...
Have you thought seriously about committing suicide?: god
Could you be a vegetarian?: could I not?
Would you ever bungee jump?: probably not- but I've done similar things on a ropes course and loved it...
Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: my shoes are self-sufficient, they *love* untying themselves...
What are you worried about right now?: that I'll never be safe or happy or healthy/ that no one will ever love me once they know The Truth
Do you ever wear overalls?: go to an eating disorder treatment center one time and just *try* to count how many overalls there are. that would be a yes.
Do you think you are strong?: on certain occasions.
Worst feeling in the world?: believing you are the bane of human existence...
Best feeling in the world?: being at __.
What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?: that would require falling asleep at night
How many rings before you answer the phone?: the world may never know
Future children's names?: not that I'll ever be a parent, but I still have a sadistic desire to name a child Jello
What is most important in life?: growth
Do you like to drive fast?: that would mean liking to drive period.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?: I sleep with many things...stuffed animals, blankets, a towel I accidentally stole from __.
What type was your first car?: an ice cream truck about an inch long
If you could meet one person dead or alive?: I'd rather meet them alive.
Do you eat the stems of broccoli?: yeay, vegetables. :-)
If you could have any job you wanted, what would it be?: using creative writing and theater to heal the world
Would you dye your hair any color?: probably not brown
What's under your bed?: carpet
Get along with parents?: *sigh*
Who have you been friends with the longest?: I guess Brooke. :-)
What are you thinking right now?: that I feel extremely sick and I still need to eat something...
What is your good luck charm?: an angel Silje gave me
The nicest things someone has done for you?: loved me - convinced me I deserve it
Best thing that happened to you today?: some actual sleep
Favorites:
Color: greenblue
Candy: I like Cookies&Cream and Starburst
TV show: anything where really bad things can be resolved in a short period of time (say, an hour)
Food(s): um...
Fast food restaurant: Subway?
Song at the moment: by the time I answer this, it will be a new moment, which will mean a new song...
Place: inside a good pair of arms
Holiday: Christmas Eve
Thing to do on a weekend: cry and obsessively check e-mail
Number: 412
Radio Station: anything I have control to turn off
Animal: I like otters
Store: boooooooks
Scent: rain
Ice Cream Flavor: cookie dough? I don't know...
Teacher: the eighth grade angels
Game: I like the Ungame (dork)
Saying: "heaven help a sailor on a night like this" <--my grandma
Soda: juice!
Actor: I dunno
Actress: ""
Month: the next one
Book: there are soo many...I love An Invisible Sign Of My Own, all things Anne Lammot...and yes, I'm still obsessed with Daphne's Book - though my copy long since disappeared. :-(
Toothpaste: I haven't really ventured out to try the different options...Colgate's good.
Restaurant: Dojo is cool.
Type of music: anything where pianos try to be guitars (or vice versa)
Music Video: I like the subway shot in between them...it makes me feel like I'm back in NYC.
Website: at the moment, mess has one me over once again.
Album: *sigh* Ani, Tori, Crabs, Tracy Bonham, Melissa Ferrick, Portishead, Julie's Exposure Mix, Live's V, and several others I don't want to type
Sport to watch: I watched a bit of rhythmic gymnastics yesterday...that was cool.
Juice: at the moment, V8 Splash.
Place to go when you have nowhere else to go: the white room
Season: Autumn
Possesion: letters
Breakfast food: oatmeal is good
Place to go with friends: sleep
Have you ever:
Smoked?: no
Drank?: no - unless you count the blood of Christ, or the numerous times my brother spiked my coffee...
Gotten drunk?: no
Broken the law?: for some reason, I think so, but nothing comes to mind...
Stolen something?: from a person, yes - from an institution? ...yes.
Tried to kill yourself?: bah
Made yourself throw up?: bah squared ... not in four months, thank you very much.
Been in love?: mmmm.
Gone skinny dipping?: riiiiiiight. of course not.
Fallen asleep in the shower/bath?: I've come close.
Ate ice cream with a fork?: You're supposed to eat *cereal* with a fork and do your homework in the dark. :-) If you get this e-mail me...you'll make me so so happy.
Played pin the tail on the donkey?: if I have, it's been to long for me to recall
Played spin the bottle?: no, though I don't think it'd bother me to play now...
Moved and had to leave behind all of your friends?: well...if I believed I lived here, that might be a yes...except, I didn't *have* to leave anyone.
Asked out the guy your friend liked?: asked out a guy, period?
Sent your pic to someone online you didn't know?: no. why would I send someone I didn't know anything?
Been on radio or television?: not to my recollection
Said, "I love you" and meant it?: oh, yes
Made prank calls?: only to my parents
Skipped school?: ha! how about 7th grade through sophomore year?
Loved somebody so much it made you cry?: yeah
Met the president?: no
Been scared to get a shot?: yes. but the nurses always think I'm cool because I shut down so much, I appear relaxed...
Gotten a cavity?: I think I have one right now.
Shopped at Abercrombie & Fitch? um, no.
Broken a bone?: yes. I tripped over a ukelele the day before my second birthday. I tend to injure myself in bizarre ways like that.
Been on a plane?: yes'm
Cried in public?: wasn't I supposed to?
Climbed a tree?: sort of- I never got very far
Fell asleep in a movie theater?: no, but I fell asleep in a theater-theater once...
Kissed a guy/girl?: girls, yes...I can't think of any boys.
Kissed your cousin?: if I did, I blocked it out
Ran away?: yes- but I got about as far as I did when I tried to climb the tree
Pictured your crush naked?: um...Mary and crushes don't mesh well. Mary and *nudity* don't mesh well either...
Actually seen your crush naked?: see above
Broken someone's heart?: I've been told I did...
Cried when someone died?: fuck you
Wanted someone you knew you could't have?: in a non-romantic sense, yes...
Lied?: um, yeah.
Cried at school?: only every other minute.
Sat by the phone waiting for a call all night? pretty much
Had AOL conversations?: yeah
Save e-mails: my inboxes are filled to brimming
Wished you were someone else?: yes
Wished you were a member of the opposite sex?: yes
Wanted to look differently?: not at all...(I like sarcasm, remember?)
Cried because of someone's words? that's one of the more logical reasons I cry
Angels?: yes - I saw one once...but the standard representation of them is *way* off...
Aliens?: if my geometry teacher is any representation...
Ghosts?: in a non-traditional sense, yeah.
Heaven & Hell?: sometimes I wish I did...but for the most part I prefer my beliefs which don't include those...
God?: well, yes...but...not religiously.
Love at first sight?: I tend to become infatuated with someone within the first five minutes...so...yes.
Kisses on the first date?: I'll let you know when I have mine.
Monsters?: sure. they protect me from my parents.
Horoscopes?: the day I turn 18 I'm calling Miss Cleo to have her read me my stars...why believe in them when they're so FUN?
Cheating?: I'd hate myself for years...
Yourself?: I want to
What or Who or When was the last...
Noise you heard?: the bubbles of my desktop theme
Song you heard?: Live's "Overcome"
Movie you saw?: in the theater, Harry Potter
Email you read?: one from Lindsey
Person you talked to?: my brother
Time you cried?: yesterday at the end of my psych session
Time you laughed?: a few minutes ago
Time you were in love?: I guess I am currently - though I don't *feel* in love right now...but if I talked to someone I love, I'd definitely be in love right now...so...yeah.
--
Wow, that's longer than it looks...
John just made me feel guilty for not eating anything decent today, so I'm off to peruse the kitchen. It's important that I don't die.
love
chord
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