2:05 p.m. - 12/30/01
does.yourskin-make-you...gag?
I am not too big I am not too big I am not too big...
Why is it that some days I don't mind that all of my edges are rounded now, or that my skin protects muscle instead of caging bone?- but some days the slight arcs of normal human anatomy make me gag on food I have not eaten? Shame me? Why is it that some days I think my body might be tolerable to someone with poor eyesight and other days I feel like curling into a ball below a cardboard box? Is this fair?
Note to self- when feeling this way reading atomgirl for the first time in ages, is *not* the best idea...
There's more to this than I remembered to document. There's one more disturbing point I keep ruminating on...
The shame surfacing via the little bit I *am* eating worries me because as bad as I'm doing *now*- I'm *really* afraid I'll start purging. (I can't...not now...not after *four months*...) The reason I'm really so scared of this is because I feel like if I start that, I'll be completely screwed over, i.e. I'll become as sick as I was in August, and if that happens, I believe I'll die. Ever since I lost Tracy, I feel like every bad thing that could happen, *will* happen, not the most disturbing of which is that I might die. Honestly, what I believe is that even if I get extremely sick again, Mom will not put me back in the hospital, (as if we could fund a second stay)...and I won't make it.
When I told the psych what happened last weekend, he asked me how much it worried me about *me*...
"A lot," I said finally. "I mean- it didn't- in the beginning...but now..."
Because *now* I'm *not* doing well, I've seen my habits go downhill, and I honestly believe that if I don't get back on track, I'll die.
But how on earth does one even visualize a "track" after something like this...let alone approach it?
fuckingchord
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