6:00 p.m. - 03/11/03
affirmative reaction.
I don't feel so well right now, and that sucks because I was doing pretty well emotionally, but now that I feel physically ick that's starting to falter. Or maybe it went the opposite way. I'm overtired, but I'm choosing to be on-line rather than napping because I'm hyper about caged submissions and am checking my e-mail obsessively. (Props to perdiendome for stepping up with the first submission.) I think I'm also a bit starved for social contact. When isn't that true? Oh, and I officially didn't get into Hampshire. So everyone who was so sure I would can...come and hug me and call them bastards. Sometimes, it's ever so nice to know that people are entirely biased in your favor. I'm actually very ok about it. I once again cried and felt that they were stupid, which is a far cry (ba dump bump swish) from what I would have felt a year ago. The place I want to go next wouldn't even hesitate to want me. It wouldn't even need a second to think. It would look at my life, and be like, "Damn. How couldn't we want you?" Exactly. I mean, I'm under 20, actually intelligent (somewhat traditionally), hugely emotionally intelligent, healing a fatal illness, spearheading organizations and projects on-line that have to do with recovery and understanding, writing award-winning plays, producing said plays with my own theater company (in NYC), maintaining several very close friendships, some of which are with people who are greatly sick, dealing with the loss of a friend, and still managing what is basically a 4.0 ... What crack did I slip through, exactly?
The only real problem I have with this is that I wanted to make the decision about what I do this fall myself. I wanted the option, so I could do that if I chose. They made the choice and that bothers good-old, power-hungry (or how about, "self-directing") me. Also, I really wish the admissions people would come see the play, and even more to the point, would read this journal. I'd like them to really know me, know who I am and how I live, and have to swallow the fact that I'll not be their alum. Damn. I hope they remember my name when I win the Pulitzer. It'll sting in all the right places...
(Give me a little slack. I'm allowed to feel vindictive for at least 24 hours, doncha think?)
The first thing I did after I heard was take a shower, something I haven't done in a couple of days. (Been struggling to "take care of myself.") I took a shower, and I cried, and I thought about how much of a loss it was for them, and how disappointed I was, and how badly I wanted someone to just invest in me. I wanted them to see how obviously worthwhile I am, and they didn't. That's hard. But I see it, and to prove so, I showered, and cried, and put on my Supporting Players t-shirt (the organization Laura runs, which is probably the best guess of where my current what-I-want-to-do-in-life dreams began.) Later, I remembered that the day after I lost a part (Thomasina in Arcadia) I performed with Laura, and upon telling her that, she said, "Just know that this has nothing to do with who you are or how good you were. I've seen you; I know you're good. It's all about them, and what they were looking for." That seems to hold up now. (It was the same day she told me I'd make a great Tillie in Marigolds...i.e. a great Atomgirl.)
But seriously, if I'm not what they're looking for, I'm done trying to be. I'm the best damn girl I've ever been, and if she's not good enough for them, I'm finished trying. I'm not giving into this pressure. I'm starting with who I am and moving outward, no matter how hard everyone tries to talk me out of that. ("Go here. Find yourself later...or while you're there...just go.") I'm starting with knowing who I am and what I want and going from there. At least then, I'll be in good company.
One thing I didn't do (much) was nitpick all the possible reasons they might have made this decision. They listed a few possibilities, such as the number of applications versus the number of the accepted students, and their own needs as a school. The latter made me wonder a little whether I had checked that little "caucasian" box, I'll admit. Though it could just have easily been the major I suggested that went against their needs. Maybe they already have a league of superheroines. I can't know.
But it's good to bring up because I've been asked about my thoughts on affirmative action. There's this whole debate now, obviously, about whether or not it's still necessary. And certainly, many people consider it racist. Here's why I don't. (And props to Julian for helping me understand this.) Racism is not a two-street. Prejudice is. Sexism is not a two-way street. Gender-bias is. Seem like unimportant word play? It's not. See, I've spent most of my education looking at social and political relations as big versions of our interpersonal relation because interpersonal relation is what interests me. But societies aren't as "simple" as we are. There's more to them. The reason that racism is not a two-way street is this: All of these -isms, (racism, sexism, heterosexism, etc) as terms, are specifically defined as the oppression of a subculture by a dominant culture. The oppression of a minority by a majority. That's something fundamentally implanted in the culture, something that's been around so long, it's hard to fathom how strong it is. And yes, still strong. Yes, racism and sexism and heterosexism are still in great stead today.
Why does the majority/ minority qualification matter? Because it does. There's a huge difference between a guy harrassing me, as an individual on the street, and a social/governmental structure based in sexism. It's not to say that the "prejudicial" level is any less wounding or less wrong - but the difference needs to be understood. When I, as a girl, defame the character of a boy, it's equally wrong to the vice-versa situation. But as a girl, my position isn't backed by the way society exists and has existed for centuries. I can experience prejudice by a individual from a racial minority, but I won't be followed through a store, pulled over for doing nothing, or beaten to death for no fucking reason. That's the difference. It's the difference between knowing one sexist person and living in a sexist society. It's the fact that "her/him" doesn't sound as accuarate as "him/her." Words matter.
So, in affirmative action, individual people who are not in minority groups are occasionally getting screwed by a move intended for the greater good. (Oh, god, we're turning communist!) Is that cool? Of course not. Is that more cool than continuing to screw over entire demographics? Personally, I don't think so. I don't believe in the sacrifice of the individual for the good of the culture. (I did, after all, grow up in an individualistic culture. I'd better be dreaming the American dream, eh?) However. I also don't believe in doing nothing with an obvious, massive problem. I don't believe in saying, "oh, that's all in the past" or "see, the racist people are actually the ones who pay attention to color, because it honestly doesn't matter at all." In individual relationships, I think it's *possible* that race/ sex/ gender/ orientation don't have much bearing (though in certain relationships, they *certainly* would) - but individual relationships are not a good gauge of the social world. We can't say that racism is no longer a problem, or is a problem of less progressive people, because we (as individuals) have interracial (for example) relationships. Our relationships do not have all the same influences that the social structure does. We don't have to deal with every version of our history, every possible interpretation of it, every petty prejudice, and every founded frustration, when we interact on the individual level. We can say, in a friendship, "this doesn't change how I feel about you; you're you, and if this is part of that, fine." To say that on a social level (or about the social level) means remaining entirely blind to all the people who *don't* feel that way. Like it or not, we aren't homogenous here. We're the "melting pot," remember? And if we don't pay attention to the challenges of that diversity, we're all going to boil. Seriously.
So, what do I think about affirmative action? I think it's something we tried, which did a lot of good. Because of affirmative action, the women who inspire me have the jobs that brought them into my life. Racial discrimination is no longer such a standard practice. Do we need to have it now? I guess my answer is that we need to be doing something now. We need to not say, "Well, that program is causing problems, and I think this racism shit is pretty much cleared up, so..." and do nothing. If anything, we need to do more. We need to try more, refine our tactics. I believe the world where this isn't an issue could easily be a goal, but we simply *aren't there now.* And we don't get to it by pretending we're already there. I'm enlightened; I'm not prejudiced. You know what? I am. I am prejudiced, and I don't mean to be, and I don't want to be, and I work against it, but I grew up in a culture that reinforced stereotypes and generalizations and unfair treatment, and that's what I know. That's what I'm used to. I hope to grow from it, to act from it as little as possible, to move beyond who I am now. Again, I can't do that without gaining consciousness. If I want to know what I'm up against, I have to stare it in the face.
People deserve to be judged "on the content of their character" - definitely. (And how are we going to define "character"? And is it the same for everyone? What about someone with frontal lobe damage who no longer has a conscience? Same rules?) People deserve to be taken on their individual merit; I'm mad because Hampshire failed to see mine. I deserve to be assessed as an individual; however, if- in that assessment- we lose track of the society I both influence and am influenced by, we do ourselves a disservice. Maybe the best thing isn't to judge me as an individual. Maybe the best thing is to judge me as an individual in context of my culture, and my culture in context of all its individuals. Our relationships are supremely important, but they aren't the supreme indicator of our social world. Understanding how I relate to Silje does not mean I understand how the US relates to Norway. That's what I know.
There's a tendency (prejudice, actually) to think that liberals just want to allow everything. In that regard, I'm fairly conservative, actually. There are a lot of things I look at, perhaps naively, as "just *wrong*" ... I would rather say that liberals look at things with an eye for what needs to change, conservatives with an eye for what needs to stay the same. I'm all about trying new tactics. *If* we conclude we no longer need Affirmative Action, it better be in favor of another program we've set in place. Because the work is not done yet. It's not done yet at all...
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning." -Louis L'Amour
But this is the end - of this entry anyway. I've babbled on enough. I tend to give half-dollars when people want two cents...Call it generous. (And call Hampshire mean names on my behalf, ok?)
chord
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