9:30 a.m. - 02/13/02
the cold collegiate battle.
rememeber when I said that applying to college would be easier than applying to "hogwarts" - because with so many more options, I could feel more secure in my honesty, and not worry that I was too forthcoming about my trials/tribulations/ etc?
yeah, well, that was dumb.
I am completey obsessed with a certain college, and I can't convince myself that anywhere else could be an acceptable substitute, even temporarily. I look at the application forms, and I think, "why the hell would you people want me?" and it's painful because unlike my former have-to-go-here-school, where I was able to discern that I was not so much excited to go there, as I was frightened not to, (see Mary attend happy prestigious school in attempt to spend four more years proving she's smart - blah) ... with this school, the ideal student is the person I *want to be* and would really like to believe I am capable of being. if I don't get accepted, what will that say to me? something as general as "there must be another school you are thus divenly directed toward"? of course not. it will mean that I am not who I want to be nor capable of being who I want to be nor worth anything whatsoever.
unlike being rejected from say, a top ivy league school, which would imply to me that I really am dumb after all - being rejected from this very liberal, independent arts school would imply that I am not creative, articulate, intelligent, insightful, - in general that I am not currenthero potential. this school is fundamentally based around the idea that searching for understanding based on one's own questions can serve to educate and dramatically change the world. this is *me* - this is what I've always wanted education to be, this is what Mark Twain wanted when he whispered to me to "never let your schooling interfere with your education" - this is where I must be and there are so many reasons for them not to accept me.
I haven't been in school in almost a year and don't consider it likely that I'll return.
Thus, I have a very vague list of academic references, achievements, etc, and very few extracurriculars.
I've had an intensely dehabilitating mental illness, which is surrounded by stigma, and which has kept me from reaching the potential I'm so constantly reminded I have.
I have not taken the ACT (scores are optional) and if I do I will probably get a 1.
I am not confident, or self-assured, or even brave, though I very much want to be.
There are many other people with my same interests who do not have my same amount of illness.
I might be applying with a GED instead of with a high school diploma, as if I didn't have enough stigma - where I live at least, GED's are looked upon as the screw-up attempting to make ammends for her years of truancy.
(I didn't say it wasn't true; I just said it's another reason...)
My "talent" is more of a reputation than a reality; it's passed from mouth to mouth like the virus that causes mono (oh, she did not just use that metaphor) - until people who have never read my *signature* are telling me I'm a fantastic writer...
I did win that award, yes, but - what if that's the only thing I've achieved in four years of high school? I mean, shit, I haven't had the same opportunity to apply for awards and things; I've been to busy trying to hang onto my life...but, I'm just so scared that they'll look at me and go "next" without even blinking. Actually, I'm more scared that they'll look at me, blink several times, scrutinize until they know every detail, and then reject me...
I want so badly to be good enough for someone, anyone, that it even shows up in the search for a fitting university.
I know I have a tough road ahead of me (I've been *on* a tough road long enough to recognize it) but- I just really need this. I really, really need to know that I am capable of being who I think I am.
If you could consider this is a prayer, I'll continue working on my resume, and consider their decision out of my hands.
prayerfulchord
"oh these little rejections, how they add up quickly/ one small sideways look and I feel so ungood/ somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make/ me feel the way I thought only my father could..."
-alanis/m "so unsexy"
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