9:25 p.m. - 12/13/01
assertive kittens enjoy their milk more.
It's difficult: discerning the perameters of my new life, who fits into what boundaries, where thouse boundaries are, who can be told goodbye, and who just has to figure it out on their own when I don't speak to them for months at a time. It's difficult feeling like I'm winging my whole life, getting phone messages and not knowing whether to return the call, writing letters and being unsure I should said them, giving out my IM name only to realize I'll need a new sn (I *can't* be available to that person 24/7!)...this whole metamorphosis process is DIFFICULT.
For the most part, I'm happy with the way it's shaping up day by day. It makes me *happy* that people respond well to my new stronger self. It pleases me to be told that I'm now too strong to patronize, to know that my assertiveness will not, after all, lead to some inevitable abandonment. I appreciate all of this.
Though I do still second-guess myself occasionally. I did an interview today with some woman from the county newspaper regarding my award/ trip to NY, and by the end of the interview, I ended up telling her that I'd been in the hospital, and of course, she asked what. I only realized that it bothered me to have told her after the conversation when I began telling myself I hadn't had a choice. Obviously, I had a choice. Why wouldn't I? I had made the split-second decision to tell based on the fact that I value my integrity, and I don't want to contribute to the ignorance/shame surrounding this disease. Unfortunately, my insecurity still pops up occasionally, even as I attempt to appear altruistic. I'm still scared no one will like me. She was nice, though. She asked if I was doing better now. It's not a bad thing to tell people I was sick. As long as I'm not doing so in order to receive negative attention, and or putting myself into danger by informing them, it is *not a bad thing.*
I feel reassured.
The following is the version II of a previously answered survey with newly revised responses...exciting, yes?
I tried not to read the old answers so as to give the unbiased opinion of who I am now. It didn't always work.
My original answers can be found here. (I have far more journals than any sane person could ever keep track of)...ha ha ha.
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1.) You would need far less therapy if you no longer identified with what song? "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham, "Walk Away" by Ben Harper
2.) Your high school administration decides/decided to give their teachers a much-needed vacation, and you are asked to teach a course. Which subject would you agree to? creative writing...though I'd get fired for turning it into a school-sculpted version of story therapy, which would refuse to follow curricular mandates, and my students would all be sad and picket, and I'd have to teach them a sad lesson, but in the end it would be ok because we'd stay in each other's lives and they'd learn that relationships that change don't always have to end.
3.) We suddenly live in a society where our idea of �traditional schooling� is obsolete. Instead, the government has reinstated the old practice of apprenticeships, with the added bonus that potential men and women alike can choose where they would like to study. What would you choose? I'd apprentice Brea or Stacy or some other redlove. And while I was there I'd fly to NYC every other weekend to apprentice Rebecca or Ruth. That way I could get in the proper dose of writing and culture to combat otherwise inevitable insanity. Maybe I could intern with Lisa so I was doing psychodrama. I'll assume interning with Laura will be a reality at some point, and I don't need to fantasize about that here. (I hope.)
4.) You discover you�re going to die tomorrow. How would you react and what might you do? I'd be sad - honestly...because there's so much I want to do. I want to know that I have time for all of the people I want to love and all of the opportunities I want to utilize. But I'd be glad I'd gotten these extra months after things got so bad, because I'd want to have shown people who I really was, or could be, instead of being lost while I was in the illness. So I think I'd just invite everyone I know and love over (and of course they'd all be able to come) and we'd sit in a room just big enough, with little fountains making water noises, and a fire in the center burning sage...and we'd hold each other and sing songs *way better* than Kum Ba Yah.
5.) You discover you�re going to live (healthy) to 315. What might you do differently based on this newfound longevity? I'd worry less about stopping to smell the roses or going at my own pace. I'd slow down (not *too* much) or rather, I'd worry less about the slowing down I have done.
6.) Be honest. Do you actually like
a.) Harry Potter? hell yeah
b.) Boy bands? not particularly (why listen to them when there's so much real music in the world?)
c.) Your parents? I love my parents...I want them in my life, only, I need them to be healthy first. So, you see, I'm divided.
d.) That dish your grandma/ aunt brings to family gatherings? when's the last time I was at a family gathering? can we say S.A.D.?
e.) Surveys? I can't believe I went so long without doing one. Introspection is my aphrodisiac...
7.) For the next decade, you must agree to look either punk or goth at all times. Which appearance would you choose? punk. it has more versatility. and as much as I enjoy the snow-white look...the heroin-addict appearance just doesn't appeal to me. plus I've seen too many truly pale girls who *really* look sick for it not to be difficult. and I've been called goth in not-nice ways...and well...if I'm a punk, I can sound tough. what a punk. I always wanted to sound tough.
8.) The phone rings with the absolute best news you�ve ever received. Who is on the line and what do they say? Myself, 100 yrs from now. "Hi. I just wanted to let you know that it was really great being you. You stayed healthy, you did beautiful things, you maintained integrity impeccably, and you experienced pure love in thousands of different ways every day of your life. Thank you. And may your next life be so peaceful."
9.) TV executives approach you wishing to do a series about your superhero alter-ego. What would be
a.)your name? I'll stick with Atomgirl. It's nostalgic. I'm already retro and the series hasn't even been created!
b.)your theme song? the closing title would be "That I Would Be Good" because even though I want to be too cool for that to be my theme song, it really *is* my theme song ever since I left the hospital...but it isn't exciting enough for an opening theme, so um..."Nothin' On Me" by Shawn Colvin...at least for tonight.
c.)your look? some weird combination of vintage and victorian clothing spiced up with a little modern-punk-edge, a never-ending supply of fabulously bizarre eyeglasses, choice piercings and henna paint, and dark hair that looked *good* really short...
10.) How do you wish to be perceived by others? someone kind with integrity, someone whose boundaries make sense, who knows how important it is to keep them in tact so she can remain strong enough to be compassionate. someone peaceful who still has the heart to (r)evolutionize.
11.) How do you wish you perceived yourself? I wish I perceived myself stably...meaning, I wish I always thought the best of what I can think about myself, instead of having those rough ed days...
12.) Put the following ten items in the order you'd be most willing to give them up: chocolate, sex, dessert, love, anger, sadness, peace, justice, books, self-expression. (Start with the one you're most willing to surrender.)
sex <--though I'm not *as* scared as I was
dessert
chocolate
books
justice <--if I weren't such a short-term thinker, this would be more prioritized
anger/sadness <--I can no longer choose
love
peace <--though I wouldn't have it without some version of love
self-expression
13.) Finish the following phrase with the first thing that comes to mind. Peace, Love and ___. Pixiedust.
14.) The second? Pacifiers.
15.) A Hollywood executive (or a cool Sundance filmmaker, if you prefer - I do) wants to do a remake of one of your favorite movies, with you in whatever role you choose. What is the film and what is your role? either "It's A Wonderful Life" and I'm George Bailey or "A Little Princess" and I'm Sara Crewe.
16.) Same scenario as 15 with a play or musical. Play: Gorgeous Raptors with me as Kaballah. Musical: Secret Garden with me as Mary Lennox.
17.) Describe a perfect world in one word. unattainable
18.) Describe a perfect world in two words. better unattained
19.) An abstract painting of your heart would resemble ... a bunch of "hand"prints - some hands, some paws, some feet, etc...some imprinted, some embossed, some carved, some blistered, some glowing, some shadowed, all woven together into an orb. or perhaps an ankh.
20.) In a previous life you were ... ignorant.
21.) In a future life you will be ... enlightened.
22.) What do you love more than love? integrity.
23.) What do you hear in these sounds? peace. possibility. support & gratitude.
24.) What do you prefer about sleeping: the dreams or the rest? both
25.) You are allowed to do away with one criminal act. What would it be? abuse
26.) The Obligatory Word Assocation segment:
pigtails- little girls
anger- ok
bicycle - two wheels
atoms - hand
tea - chamomile
chocolate - bar
night - day
night - fantasy
day - light
sadness - longing
spaceship - stars
superhero - cape
melissa ferrick - smoke
hot - humid
beautiful - free
27.) Is life a four-letter word? no.
28.) Is thin? no. but sometimes the way the need to be thin distorts people's minds makes me want to say them.
29.) Is hate? same as above. love? only when abused. fuck? hell yeah - but that's not always a bad thing. time? not really.
30.) What is the opposite of thin? happy
31.) Would you rather die- suddenly in your sleep, in an accident, or after a long illness? none of the above. I'd want to die after a short illness when I was old enough for such a thing to be expected. I wouldn't want the long suffering to distort who I was; I'd just want us all to have the opportunity to say our "last" I love yous.
32.) Do you think it's a good idea to live every day as if you might die tomorrow? no. that's a scary-ass reality that shouldn't be brought up lightly. I don't think the possibility that you *are* doing just that should be forgotten though.
33.) Would you rather be a dentist or a math teacher? an atypical math teacher or a life-altering dentist.
34.) Would you rather be a dentist or a gym teacher? a dentist. unless I could do a ropes course all year for gym and not deal with kids ridiculing each other.
35. Rearrange these words:
apple, eye, the, this, work, fluctuates, enter, dream, of, you, I, reconfigure, self, heart, epic, self.
epic:
this work fluctuates
reconfigures heart, I, self, you
enter the eye of dream
36.) On a regular basis do you agree with the thought processes of
-George Dubya Bush? oh, god, tell me Canada is still accepting applications...
-Ani DiFranco? as scripted in her song lyrics, yes
-your parents/ guardians/ warden? no
-your classmates? I have none at the moment
-your high school guidance counselor? only about the fact that I needed help & that getting better is a good thing
37.) Who, more than anyone else, do you wish saw you differently? my mom
38.) Is there heaven on earth? no, but there is earth, and I like that just fine
39.) Is there heaven off earth? only if they replaced the harps with cellos :-)
40.) Are you
religious? no
spiritual? yes
peaceful? mostly
strong? I think so
short-tempered? on certain choice issues
quick to love? I monitor it
quick to hate? not usually
prone to colds? yeah, pretty much
allergic to things? aye
a daydream believer? yes
a homecoming queen? perhaps...I came home...and I could be a queen at some point; that might be cool
41.) What, if any, of question 40's components do you wish you could answer differently? How would you wish to answer? prone to colds and allergic to things...plus, the more I think about it, I really *do* want to be some sort of bizarre/modern homecoming queen.
42.) Do you feel like you're wasting time on this survey? not really. If yes, do you mind? I mind that my mom is upset with me for still being on-line.
43.) Create your own Forrest Gump simile: Life is like __. those jawbreakers the size of baseballs: if you lick away at it slowly, there are lots of sweet/ colorful layers to behold. but if you try to bite into the whole thing too quickly, you'll end up with broken teeth.
44.) Re-analyze the original Forrest Gump simile. What does "life is like a box of chocolates" really mean? (Eating disorder, if applicable, aside.) There's lots of options, and with proper guidance, you *can* navigate your way around the coconut.
45.) Life's too short for ... excess worrying.
46.) Once again: Peace, love, and ... carnivals.
47.) Are you happy? I'm getting there
48.) Are you worthy of being happy? yes, most definitely, I am.
49.) Question for anyone who is not me who decides to answer this survey: I __ Atomgirl. still enjoy being referred to as
50.) Is this the end? no, it's just bedtime.
--
sweetdreams,
idlechord
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