11:05 p.m. - 01/18/03
it's the grammar of faith. ::|^
sleep sounds delectable right now. the idea of sleep. I'm so used to thrashing around, waking up without sheets, feeling the sun rise through closed eyes. but today, pushing old limits, has left me exhausted. so, maybe, maybe I can hope for sleep.
but yes, I pushed limits. I tried to learn what I will need to know *when* I escape the life I'm in for now. I ended up watching a terribly disturbing movie (that was, nevertheless, somewhat good) and was kind of drawn to the dark again because of it (urgh...) afterward, I nearly crawled into a dark room and listened to depressing music for the rest of the night, knowing that I was already going into depression and to continue willingly would seriously send me into a spiral. instead, I went upstairs where the light reflected off the snow was absolutely warm, and I turned on this fabulous Sleater-Kinney song that I'm currently obsessed with, and I thrashed around ("danced") to it and by the end I was grinning and one of my quotes had fallen off the wall and landed on my foot. I read it; it read, "doing the best you can in this moment puts you in the best spot for the next one." and I was like, "fuck yeah, it does. screw the dark side." I came back downstairs and the wrote the first few scenes of a play that was still pretty dark but didn't leave me too terribly so. and then when my mom called and asked if I wanted to meet her in the city (via John) I agreed. even though I knew it would mean things I didn't want to do, even though it wasn't terribly exciting, and the only thing I feel comfortable spending money on at the moment couldn't be acquired in this trip. hence, compulsive spending issues (or rather, the compulsive spending issues of those who grew up in poverty, the I want it, I can't have it, I want it more, I don't deserve it, I don't even really want it, I just want to know I can have it, bullshit) ensued. I really do need to talk about that soon. but this time in terms of relationships. it's one of the ways I quit being who I am. I start being someone else so I can win affection, whether I want it from that particular person or not. because I want to have the option. low self-esteem and deprivation are fabulous teachers, oh yes.
anyway, the night wasn't horrible. I kept noticing the young girls (eight to ten-ish) who can do things I can't. order food, pay, talk, be confident. and then I noticed girls who do things I still *refuse* to do (for instance, wear make-up) and got pissed off for entirely different reasons. I flicked off the appropriate stores at the yuppy mall that no longer amuses me *at all*- and was significantly bored by a Borders, which has killed off (nearly) all good bookstores in the area...all in all, not an exciting night. but I went out when I would have rather completely let the depression win (temporarily), I had a yummy dinner in public, I wore fishnet, I stood in a few lines to order food but didn't actually voice it/ pay for myself. I did small things. no real phobia fighting. just habit-breaking. and that's ok. gotta kick some of these habits. hard as it is. must be capable of sustaining life oustide of d!@#$%^. oh, yes.
oh, and I keep wanting to do this and then not doing it. not remembering, mostly. so, let me just remind you of the trees of life that were at the old pale reflections, which I hung around at during middle school. I wanted to plant one, but they were already defunct, and I wasn't really aware of my sickness or in recovery, etc, etc. so, yes. I found one of my own, and I'm planting it here. see all the nice trees around it? that's symbolic. hinting at my future. it's hopeful. almost.
grow honey, grow.
~chord
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