9:25 p.m. - 01/17/03
i've got to fight /:/ i've got to fight.
I have an interesting life at the moment. I hope things don't sound too bad. I really worry that I'm a negative influence right now; I don't want to bring people's moods down. I also kind of feel like hiding the words away, so I can just talk with myself and not bother anyone. But this time, I think that would be regressive more than productive, so I'm fighting against it. I'm fighting so many things.
I'm fighting food rituals. First off. I have hung onto several food rituals for a long time, and even though I don't really understand why I can't just continue to eat with them, I know that anything I have to do is compulsive, and therefore I want to have my power back. So, I'm trying stupid things that really scare me. I'm not rearranging my food to make it look "right." I'm not eating out of mugs instead of bowls so that the food stays hidden. I'm not doing something else during every meal. (Though seriously? Eating alone/ with my parents is really not cool. So maybe it isn't entirely abnormal to do something else to keep myself company inside that.)
What else am I doing...oh, yes. I'm trying to learn how to not act abused. I mean, I've established all these really good relationships, and I've sort-of convinced myself that if I end up in something not good, I'll have the strength to stay safe anyway. To leave or to work at it or whatever I need to do. Now I have to unlearn the methods I adopted to stay safe in those relationships. For instance, I have to go on IM, even though I'm scared. It's good. I have to just sign on as the account people know, not check obsessively to see who's around. I can always say, "can't talk now" and you all will understand. There are so many things like that. I have to stop investing my energy in protecting myself (falsely) from abuse and harrassment and just shit that isn't happening anymore. I have to start trusting that the real boundaries I have in place will work. And when they don't, I have to learn new ones.
For instance, tonight I ended up on the telephone with my brother for hours. I was really pissed about it, and I kept trying to get off, but I couldn't, and that's the kind of thing that reinforces my not answering the phone. Because I don't want to lose control of my day. I don't want to lose control of my time. And I'm so used to people who can't hear, "ok, well, I really need to do such and such now" or who follow it up with, "What! I've worn out my welcome?" that I just don't answer anymore. At least, I think that's part of why I don't. Anything else will come to me later, after I work this out, and try again. In the meantime, it sucks that some people still don't get it. I mean, I like talking to my brother. But not for hours despite the fact that MY MOM called him, not me, then went to bed, leaving me on the phone, knowing what would happen, and even though I said I had to go, we stayed on. It's so frustrating. I love him. I even like him. I don't want to avoid him.
In the meantime, massive amounts of schoolwork balanced with massive amounts of Sleater-Kinney. Have you heard "Sympathy"? Holy shit, I am in love with that song. And "Prisstina" of course. One Beat rocks my socks.
I don't know. I start to feel in a good mood, and then I feel crazy. It's like, I know I'm going somewhere good, but right now really really sucks. And if I could just have some support in that it would be easier. (Ok, I do have *some* support. Don't mean to minimize my lovely bunch of allies.) I guess I'm just ready to see the fruit of my effort a bit more. But "recovery is a process, not an event."
Blah, blah, trite quotes, blah. Anyway, I'm struggling (but in that good way I always talk about); perhaps I'm not an entirely lost cause.
chord
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