4:45 p.m. - 12/16/01
this/is/not/a/real/request..._->yet.
Available for adoption: 5' 2" sixteen-year-old female, brown hair, brown eyes, glasses, Caucasian. No history of drug abuse, including but not limited to alcohol and nicotine products. No criminal record. No religious affiliation. No overwhelming neediness. Relatively honest. Previously severe eating disorder basically under control. (Just under four months without purging.) Impressive ability to understand herself due to 3 months in fabulous hospital. Lack of interest in normal adolescent bullshit. Maintains ability to give support and/or space as necessary. No longer whiny or high maintenance - for the most part. Imperfect and aware of it.
Asking to be removed from: shitty home circumstances consisting mainly of subtle, ongoing brainwashing based around her inability to think any true thought and/ or feel any justified emotion. Shaming influences, negative messages, and rampant OCD served daily. Medically concerned for her continuing recovery in an environment shared by people who mainly cope through the unprecedented application of denial.
In search of: anyone supportive and relatively sane who'd be willing to let her be family for a little while just so she could remind herself what she learned at said hospital and not end up believing all the shit about herself that put her in the place.
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I'm a bit freaked right now because with every passing day I share with these people referred to as my parents, I become less and less confident that I can maintain my "recovery" here. I see old signs, not of my eating disorder, but of related phenomena. I check my e-mail obsessively, I go on-line when I don't need to, i.e. I utilize my *one ticket* out of the house. I eat a bit emotionally, sometimes I'm ok with that (it's normal, right?) sometimes it sets me up for the ever-sickening "bad body image." I'm resentful of anyone who tells me that all parents are awful, all sixteen-year-old struggle with their families, etc. Why give me this bullshit? You haven't experienced a lifelong guilt trip from those people entrusted with your care, and if you are, you're far too bitter about your own experience to give decent advice.
I am not high-maintenance, I'm not a juvenile delinquent, I'm not an idiot or a genius prick...I'm not naive, I'm not omniscient, I'm not (usually, too) annoying, and I'm willing to change if I consider it for the good of humanity (including myself.)
Why the fuck am I trapped with parents who define "tough love" as putting up with me?
Oh, no that isn't true. Nothing I say is true. I'm going to put up cameras and tape recorders, see whether or not the evidence agrees.
I just wish someone could *see* it so I didn't have to think it was me brainwashing them the way I've been brainwashed. Somehow in all this mind-control, they have me thinking I'm a liar. The only reason I believe myself right now is because my brother and I have been venting all day, and he sees how shitty it is, too. I have a witness. I just need a witness so that I know it isn't *me* destroying the family by talking about what happens, it's *my parents'* illness determining what happens. Why can't I believe that talking about something doesn't make it a reality; rather, you talk about it because it already is one?
In true, Linus fashion I'll just say this last thing: I'm really not such a bad little kid. Maybe, I just need a little love.
Breeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaa....
corneredchord
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