9:30 p.m. - 03/29/03
i can no longer shop happily.
The inspiring thing to say would be something along the lines of, "This has to change." That would be productive and instill some urgency in me, some sense of timing and necessity, of need. I'm more in the fetal-position-in-need-of-a-hug mode, though. The "it shouldn't be this hard" mode. I don't have time for anything which means I am trying to do too much. I had a full-fledged shame attack tonight after spending only the amount of money I'd budgeted I could spend on things that weren't even clothes. This is so beyond buyer's remorse. And not thinking I have enough schoolwork done is so far gone from accurate. Even if I have nothing done...I've done enough.
I wish they could take my brain's temperature, and just that quickly understand why I'm not up to my normal standards. I wish a line of mercury could monitor action potential, anxiety, and the track of shame that's carved so deep...
Oog.
chord
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